Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road, someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road, someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
{kelly clarkson}
The Clinical Journal Entries started as a clinical assignment but then turned into tradition. Unfortunately, we are back into the assignment mode, and that takes all of the fun out of it. It will start out as a copy-paste from Word (the doc I emailed my professor) and now I get to tell you how the day really happened (or at least my uncensored and way-more-fun version of it)
This is our geriatric/rehabilitation rotation. I signed up for the only section that was less than an hour from my house, a nursing home in Akron. A solid 30 minute drive at 6:20am for an instructor who wants us there prior to 7am because "these patients are already awake anyways!" Right.
Now, I love old people. I'm a sucker for grandparents, and I even enjoyed working on the Acute Care of the Elderly unit for my first-ever clinical rotation. Old people, the elderly, seniors... however it's politically correct to call them these days, are full of stories and have such varying personalities. They're just like us twenty-somethings, only a whole lot smarter with many more lessons learned. They're so easily stereotyped, while to them, we're probably just as easily stereotyped. The more you're around the people who hit their '80s, '90s, or even 100s (101 - like one of our residents!) the more you realize that they're just people like you or me, only their bodies sometimes get worn out from this life and they need extra help. That's all. Alzheimer's and incontinence aside, forget about the hearing aids and teeth sitting on the counter... Each and every old person in the world has a personality, interests, dislikes, memories, habits, values, and fears. And, like everyone else, they just want to love and be loved.
Studying the process of what can go wrong in old age, however, is a different case. We have clients, not patients. They're here because they, the government, or their families are paying for their stay. They're here to get better so they can go be good Grandmas again. They're here to play games and sing songs until they go across the river. They're here because they are a little forgetful and someone needs to help them know to take their medicine. They might be here because their spouse died, their family couldn't take them, yet they couldn't quite live on their own. And then some have colorful rooms filled with photos and banners and flowers and things from the home they will soon return to. See, it's a different kind of place. It has a distinct smell and sound, and yes, there are medicines and health problems, but it doesn't feel like a hospital. Instead, nursing homes seem like big dorms for old people. And I'm a nurse, just not that kind of nurse. Just when I was getting proficient with tubes, needles, systems, IV pumps, intricate computer charts... I get dropped off on the doorstep of an old people dorm and am told to make myself useful and take assessments and give meds, charting it all in 4" 3-ring binders . Hand-charting aside, those things really don't take long. But this does - this takes 10 hours on our feet, looking busy, and some weeks we will have alert patients, while some weeks we may not even have a patient who can talk back. I'm the busy-busy-busy nurse, the one in the group who just doesn't slow down, so this might be a problem. I foresee a lot of craft events and afternoons spent at the group "Dining Room Movie." If I have to feed a few people or clean up after them, that's okay, too. If I have to smile at a mean old lady or help him clean his dentures, that's okay, too. And if I get to do a dressing change on a stage 3 pressure ulcer or get to go with a patient to see how dialysis works in our (rare in-nursing-home kidney dialysis) center, then it'll definitely be a good day! I just don't like the smell of that place, especially at 7am, and I really, really, really don't like being bored.
Today was just orientation, see the unit, meet the staff, here's-all-the-assignments-and-final-paper-i-want-to-kill-you-with kind of day. So next week, maybe something will change or I'll have some sort of different opinion. Probably, yes, most likely. :)
Oh yes, and because this is an assignment, I must state 3 personal goals, one with a clinical focus, one with a gerontological focus, and one with a rehabilitation focus.
Clinical: To increase my patient assessment skills (...Seeing how one of the only things we are doing here is, well, patient assessments, lol)
Gero: To be comfortable with dementia patients (Because let's face it - they're scary. I had one when I student tech'ed at General and it was a BAD experience)
Rehab: To help a patient work on skills so he/she can return to home (Because we do have a few "acute" older people, and we all know that homes are soooo much better than nursing homes!)
My next journals will be on activities I did with residents or random things the syllabus wants us to do ("Make a list of stereotypes of older people"), citing a website that taught me more about my patient's condition, citing a journal regarding one of my patients... ya' know.... just the normal fabulous stuff the professors sit at home and make lists of because they have nothing better to do. All while reading about 4-8 (50 page-ish) chapters of 2 textbooks a week. (Well, technically 3 textbooks. The one was so big they had to make Vol. 1 and Vol. 2. Not. even. kidding.) Whoooo!!!
And I need to rant just a little more to get "today" out of my system, because I'm tired and was up too early and am crabby from being bored and so stressed... I would have guessed a nursing home would be on the warm side, but this place was HOT. We toured all 4 (or 5?) "units" and went on two different floors, all the different wings, and there was not one single cool spot beyond opening-wide a window or a door. So next week, other than coming in swim-scrubs, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I figured it would be rude to steal an "out of it" patient and turn on their room A/C. Definitely rude. And mean. Neither of which I'm into being. But it's like, we can put nice warm blankets and Snuggies and jackets on them, yet we are not allowed to take off any more clothing without violating some kind of rule or law. Yes I have a tank top under my scrubs, but will they let me walk around in that? No, because how un-professional! Yeah, well then get a thermostat that works, set it where normal people set it, and try that for professional!
And to think if this was any other day, I'd have my reason for doing this, the hope of the ONLY one thing that I fought through this much school for already. But it's funny... we humans are odd creatures. I'm still fighting and even the faintest hope of my reason is gone. So am I fighting for nothing? Probably. Uh-oh, I can't let my mind go that way. K, turn this way...
5. More. Weeks. Of. This... And I wish I could say I'm getting the summer off, but I'm NOT. I will be spending 6 weeks taking what I should have taken January through last week but nervous breakdown'ed my way out of.
If I can keep going at this insane pace, I'll be done in 1 year, 1 1/2 months, making my grand total... 6 painful years.
And then what? A nanny who just happens to have a nursing degree? God help me! All I wanted was a part-time job that I loved (which could be nursing, yes, could be this....) and to work because of want and not need, with the ultimate goal of staying home with my children. Somehow all of my dreams got really mixed up into the life I have now. Add a degree and a part time RN job, keep the nannying, and I have everything in the dream except the kids... The kids I pour so much into are kind of other people's kids. Oh, and a husband... I think somewhere in there the dream was being married first. Yeah, and that's a sore subject right now. But yes, he would be present because I would be working because I want to, not because I have to, right? Remember that part? Not sure how this knot of "dreams" came to be, or how to untangle it, but we'll get there... look around, assess, reassess... intervene when necessary. Follow the plan of the Divine, foremost. Stay on for the ride, because it's sure going to be interesting how this one plays out!
(Sidenote - Nurses, did you know that after 2015, the MSN is no more? The next step is the doctorate of nursing practice I think. I'm not sure if they're moving CNS NP CRNA, etc. up to PhD level or what, but the masters will cease to exist. The nursing board smartypants are doing the physical therapist thing where all existing MSNs will be "grandfathered in" but anyone wanting to be a grad student has to work to PhD. So my plan is, you guessed it, to start my masters the latest day in my life possible before I can no longer get "grandfathered" in for my MSN.)
They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain -
They're smiling,
ecstatic,
triumphant.
They don't take pictures along the way because
who wants to remember the rest of it?
We push ourselves because we have to,
not because we like it.
The relentless climb?
The pain and anguish of taking it to the next level?
Nobody takes pictures of that,
nobody wants to remember.
We just want to remember the view from the top,
the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world.
That's what keeps us climbing,
and its worth the pain.
That's the crazy part.
It's worth anything.
- Meredith Grey
Grey's Anatomy 6.17 "Push"
(Picture: Love Chyler Leigh as Lexie Grey!)
It's Monday again! And I realize I have not posted in a long time (almost 2 weeks!) Many reasons exist, from school (two words: Nursing Research) to crazy schedules to extra nannying to grieving the loss of my fiance. But nevertheless, I thought I'd spice things up a bit and show you what I've been up to this past week. (Courtesy of the iPhone...)
Last week, we started the week by celebrating Bryce's seventh(!!!) birthday at Applebees. He and his brother both are practically my size! I told him I remember the day he was born. Talk about feeling old. He was so excited to get lots of outfits and lots of Nintendo DS games. :)
Tuesday, we went to Ikea. The closest Ikea is in Pittsburgh, and I usually only go there with Jonathan, but this time I went with my mom and sister. I bought a Malm 3-drawer dresser to replace my cheapy Wal-Mart 3-drawer piece of junk that is losing the bottoms of 2 of the drawers. I then assembled the Malm 3-drawer dresser all by myself, complete with screwdrivers, nails, cam locks, and lots of other fun tools and stuff. I was quite impressed with my efforts, especially after my mom didn't think I could do it. (And Mom thinks I can do anything! In fact, yesterday I asked her if she'd be proud if I won the National Juggling Competition - long story, saw it on the news... - and she said, "Well I'm your mom, so of course I would be! Moms are proud of everything their kids do." Right, ha!) I also put together a new chair for my desk since my chair now is the most uncomfortable thing you could ever sit in. This one is pretty much the same, only more expensive (hopefully better quality!), is a lot comfier, and has a bright pink seat on it! Fun!
After the break-up, I changed a lot of things in my life. I started parting my hair on the opposite side of my head, I cleaned out my closet, I started doing things differently, I had to find a new perfume because he liked the other one (well yeah, and I still do, too!)... lots of other things I can't think of at the moment. One of such changes was re-painting my bathroom. It was a nice almost-lime green (not quite that bright, but pretty and cheery) and I decided to paint it a medium, light-milk-chocolate brown. The last time I painted anything, it ended up in a disaster, so my mom is paying my unemployed aunt to do it since she is a good painter. To make a long story short, today will be the 4th day that my bathroom's contents are between my bedroom, the hallway, and my Dad's side of my parents' bathroom. My bathroom could have easily been sanded, primed, and painted in two days max, but yeah... Lots of long stories involved here. Not to mention Haylie's discovery of her Nicorette gum which almost landed us in the emergency vet all night Saturday. (Apparently, nicotine poisoning is a huge deal with dogs, and seeing that my mischievous girl is a mere 12 lbs...) Anyways, I am babysitting this morning, but when I get home, I'm hoping I'll be able to move the contents of my bathroom back into my bathroom. I've been working on finding new wall art for my new bathroom, too. The last things I had on the wall no longer match, and change is good, so I have been shopping for the perfect signs, photos, plaques, whatever. I have a few things in mind, so we'll see.
Babysitting has been keeping me very, very busy lately ... my 2 nanny girlies and then my little guy quite a few nights lately (and then this AM at 6!)...
Oh, and not only am I building things (chair, dresser...), but I also successfully moved my broken external hard drive into a new case all by myself. The Ex was so sweet to "diagnose" the problem and told me what to buy, and using the instructions, I moved my real hard drive out of the broken casing into the new casing. I snapped things and screwed in the pieces, and the hard drive actually works now! I'm so proud of myself for that, too. :)
Just in time for me to get my new Ugg boots, the snow is melting and after a month of record snowfall here in NEOhio, it is supposed to be in the 40's and 50's all week long. Of course, I'd rather have nice weather than snow, but I'd also like to wear my $180 boots more than twice before the season is over!
Back to last week, I finally went to the LifeBanc training course so I can participate in organ-donation-awareness events. I have been with them since summer and even was on my way to an event (but had to go home since I was sick... another long story), and I was scheduled to take the course back in November but couldn't due to it being two days before Thanksgiving... so finally, I got it done this week. It was fun, and I learned a lot. I'm now "officially" allowed to volunteer when before, I think they were only letting me because of my own personal organ-donation awareness and my heart-wrenching I-need-a-liver personal story. ;-) April is Organ Donation Awareness Month, so there will be another post coming soon, I'm sure.
My cousin took today off and is coming over later to hang out. We're going to see Alice in Wonderland tonight. Honestly, it looks a little freaky to me. We'll see...
This week, I start clinicals again - Geriatrics/Rehab - after taking the first half of the semester off (as far as clinical courses go), and Wednesday is our first lecture. Then we go to 2-day/week lectures and Tuesday clinicals at a nursing home. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to this rotation, but I wasn't looking forward to obstetric nursing either, and I really ended up enjoying it. We'll see!
Found this in a magazine, quoting Vera Wang... Love it.
My dear Cali friend nominated me for this "Honest Scrap" award. According to De Ann (or now, may I call you Tootie since you've finally proclaimed it to the world?) I must list 10 random facts about myself. Then another dear blog reader, Maureen, gave me the Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award which coincidentally means I must list 10 random facts about myself. I'm very random, but I'm not very good about making lists like this, so I will let myself cheat and fulfill both obligations with one list. :)
1. My wardrobe has grown increasingly brown and black. It was a recent discovery, and yes, it's random. I still have a complete rainbow in my closet just because of my insane amassment of clothing in there, but I keep going for the brown or the black every time I go shopping, every day when I get dressed. And this is not a new randomosity - I'd say the past year, maybe? And plus, it makes just-the-right earrings and no-one-but-Amanda-would-wear-that necklaces way more fabulous.
2. I'm glued to my pink Coach datebook. I live by that thing. It may or may not be in my iPhone, but it will always be in the datebook. If someone were to take it, I'd feel lost and probably go into a panic attack. Knowing my recent luck, that said panic attack would probably end me in the psych ward. Not even kidding.
3. My dog is my human daughter and if I had more time, I'd have a few more. My goal is eventually to graduate to human procreation, but at the moment, nannying is enough kids for my life.
4. If I find a cute top or pair of jeans that fit just right or adorable, must-have shoes, I will buy it in all the colors I can fit into my wardwrobe. It's pathetic, really. I feel like Doug -remember that Nickelodeon cartoon where the kid wore the same outfit every. single. day. Ha! Case in point: Old Navy fold-over yoga pants (2 pairs black, 1 pair black capri), cute heel boots (black and brown), favorite Coach bag (black and brown), my favorite t-shirts (I'd say about 5 different tops with 2 to 4 colors of each)
5. I love my Pandora bracelet. I didn't even know what they were until a few months ago, and then it was what I wanted most for Christmas. Well, I got one, and have two spacers and the following beads: a heart from Jonathan, a dangle cross from my sister, a pink stone from Grandma, and my Nana's birthstone (and mine - we're both born in August) that I bought with the money Poppop gave me for Christmas (in her memory of course) There's so many more charms I'd love to add, but what's so special if there is no story behind each charm? Going to Jared and stocking my bracelet would be fun, but it would make the bracelet meaningless. Plus, I love how the beads slide all around now. It wouldn't do it if it was full! :)
6. I am, after 5 1/2 years, single again. It's surprising how fast I've reverted back to my ways of not shaving my legs, doing whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, and drooling over any man-candy I may encounter. I'm unabashedly single and hoping I'll soon love it as much as I used to.... before things got so complicated and I fell head-over-heels in love. I'm a single adult for the first time in my life, and I find it liberating sometimes. There's a few things I want to do before I settle down again, and I think that's awesome.
7. I love giving stuff away or even selling stuff. I find some hidden joy in finding someone on Freecycle or Craigslist or eBay who really want my used whatevers. I give all my old accessories to my friends and cousin, too. I'm doing some massive cleaning out lately, and I have been doing all of the above plus filling a huge box for our church yard sale which is like 6 months away. Purging feels so good. I don't know how people can hoard stuff unless of course, they're simply too busy to clean it out. That would be a problem.
8. I had to hit rock bottom and lose all but my very life before I realized how much God loved me and keeps His hand on my life... despite myself. Despite ourselves, He is watching over us.
9. I love to buy cards and gifts for people. I love wrapping presents and curling the ribbon. I love tying on pretty tags and finding just the right card. :)
10. I always bite off more than I can chew. Any project I seem interested in, I dive right in, give 200%, and usually find out I'm too busy for it after all or just get bored with it. I take "live life with passion" a little too literally. I also think I can do anything until I realize I can't. Now, I can do many things, and I believe anyone can do anything they set their mind to, but that's completely not the point on this one. Case in point? If you'll hem my pants, why do I need to waste all that frustration of trying to do it myself? For less than an hour's work pay, I can get my car washed at the gas station with the extra nice soap and special clean whatever? I will not wash my own car, waste 2 precious hours, get soaking wet, and earn myself an evening on the heating pad with a muscle relaxer. How about food? If my mom is home, she can make whatever I want better and faster, and everyone has curb-side take out now, so learning to cook? Nah, no point. And along the same lines, I really do think I have more hobbies, or attempted hobbies, than any sane person should have... and probably less time for hobbies than most people have.
My duty, again according to Tootie, in accepting this honest scrap award is that I must award it to seven other blogs. Maureen passed it onto three. So I have no idea. I'm going to now cheat a second time in one post and say this: If you want, just post it on your blog and link back. How's that? Twitter friends, blog reader friends, whoever you are... I think you all rock. And if you're extra busy like me, just go on with your life. But I have fulfilled my honors and obligations and will now go do my Nursing Research homework and think about who I can bribe to paint my bathroom brown. All before a 2 year old and 5 month old wake up from their naps.
Love to you all!
Today I woke up exhausted, not liking the gloom out my window, not looking forward to eliminating my Ex's existence on my legal documents, and not looking forward to visiting my hepatologist - an hour away - late in the afternoon.
So first up... in to see my attorney to get all of my power of attorneys, durable healthcare power of attorneys, living will, etc. revised. Mr. Attorney said it wasn't smart to put my fiance in such important legal documents, but I told him we weren't like other couples, and it would be fine. Today I bit my words as we took his names off of all of my legal documents - as if he doesn't exist - on my most important papers anymore. I signed, signed, and signed, and he notarized, notarized, notarized. Off we went with new documents, reflecting my new life. Off we went to Cleveland... ugh.
My mom and I listened to a really uplifting CD on the way there, and I love spending time with my mom. But the drive is so long. The visits aren't the worst of it; it's just draining by the time you do the driving, parking, waiting, signing in, etc. But onto to the visit - Of course I saw Dr. Hupertz's resident first, and this resident rubbed me the wrong way. That's what started it. Then I saw my doctor. All in all = lots of tests and procedures to be scheduled. My I'm-fine-hey-no-liver-problems-here break is officially over. It seems I get a hiatus every Aug/September through April or May since she tries to follow the school schedule, but it's approaching March... April... May... June, and there's lots of info she wants on me... well, here it comes again. How's the scans looking? How are the cysts on my kidneys looking? How big are the varices? Is the bloodflow blocked even more? Is the MELD high enough to warrant a transplant yet? She has questions, and I don't want to give her the time to get the answers. I don't want the answers in all actuality. I'm bored with all of this. I just want to be better. So anyways, back to today - then we go to schedule all these procedures. I always see the same scheduler who I love, but hey look, they decided to hire a new one who knows absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathe arguing, and that's all we were doing, so I had to have my mom come in and talk to this woman because things were seriously getting that heated. She couldn't care one bit about any word I had to say, and it was her way or no way, and she was all WRONG. So we finally got me scheduled, I went downstairs and gave them their vials of blood, and then my mom and I went to the car in the rain, and I slept the entire way home.
I get home, go to bed, exhausted and hoping I can sleep. Of course not. So I take some meds. Then I'm not sure if it was he or I, but texting with the Ex began. Things got violent and some very hurtful things were said, some opportunities to simply show love were ignored, and I ended up on my dad's bed crying while he watched TV. I asked him if this was a normal way for a guy to handle something like this. That's how the conversation began. He turned off the TV and we talked and talked and talked, onto and past about 200 different topics, each about said guy and his actions and what has happened and where it hurts. Then Dad stands up... what is he doing? Getting something out of the bathroom... oh... a tissue. For me. Dad got me a tissue. So by the time said tissue is in my hand, I was bawling, so he just stood there, arms open wide, until I came into them and sobbed. He told me he was hurting so badly for me and he knows how I've been wronged, how the approach to this breakup was entirely poorly-mannered and months of damage had already occurred.... long story. But he told me how this has been so hard for him to see me go through this, and he loved me, and there was a greater plan. So I sobbed, and he cried, and I sobbed... into my daddy's strong arms. His arms meant he knew, he cared, he understood, and everything would be okay. Hurt and violated, yes, but he agreed with me in my gratitude for the grace of God intervening 3 weeks ago. It's amazing, it is.
Then I texted my sister to see a movie at 10 with me. I ached to see Dear John again... to see someone else hurting like me. But, Nik has to go to bed for early class. I text my cousin. I text my bestie. I remember that Jen, bless her heart, had just gotten out of work, and here she tells me me she'll be on her way just as soon as she stops home for clothes. She's almost missing a work deadline on her new RN job and is exhausted out of her mind, but she's driving an hour from work to her house to get stuff to come 45 minutes to my house to spend the night and pray with me and let me cry and cry and cry.... and then wake up and make sure I'm just a little better in the morning. Now that's a best friend.
We are blessed, dear friends, so so blessed.
